Funny Theology Jokes I’ve Heard

Yelp, I’m a nerd….
  • God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, “Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg.” Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, “What could I get for a rib?”
  • How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Two…One to change the light bulb and one to cast out the spirit of darkness.
  • A game of golf is going on on the heavenly fairway. First hole is a mean par three with a large water feature. Lining up at the T is Moses, Jesus and a little old man and it’s Moses who plays first.Moses lines up checks the wind and then swings, the ball slices and heads for the water where it sinks to the bottom. Moses walks up to the dam, raises his club the waters part, he walks to the ball and chip shots into the hole for a birdie.

    Jesus is next, he checks the wind, lines the shot and swings, the ball slices and lands in the water where it floats on the surface. Jesus walks to the ball across the water and chip shots onto the green where the ball sinks for a birdie.

    Finally the little old man gets to the T. He is so short and stooped one wonders how he can play at all. But he checks the wind lines up and swings. Of course the ball slices and heads for the water. As the ball is about to hit the surface, the largest trout ever leaps out of the water swallowing the ball. If that was not enough a large eagle swoops down and takes the fish for dinner and heads away high into the sky. The eagle flies across the green and as it does it squeezes the fish -pop- the ball comes out of the fishes mouth and into the cup giving the old man a one shot lead.

    Jesus turns and glares at the old guy and says: “Listen Dad if you’re gonna play, play fair!”

  • Jesus came across a woman who was about to be stoned for adultery.
    He urged them to cease and desist, saying “let him who is without sin cast the first stone”. All of a sudden, some one threw a stone.
    Jesus exclaimed, “Oh mother!!!”
  • Humans have become so technically evolved that they can now make a living, breathing person. A summit of scientists believed that because they now had the power to create life, God was no longer needed. So they all decided that someone should go and tell God this. One man volunteered to go. One day he climbed a mountain and called upon God. “God! We humans now have the ability to bring people from the dead, we can create our own life, we don’t need you anymore so you can leave us alone.” God listened to the scientist and nodded his head. “Okay, I’ll tell you what, if you can really create life, let’s have a competition, if you can create a better person than me, I’ll go, but we’ll have to do it the way I did it in the old days.” So the scientist agrees and begins to collect some dirt to make his person. God simply watches him and finally asks him what he’s doing. “I’m using the dirt to make a person.” God smiles, looks at the scientist and replies, “Go make your own dirt.”
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Michael Jordan’s “King Solomon” Syndrome

The first time I ever watched a televised basketball game just so happens to have been during Michael Jordan’s final playoff run in 1998. They were playing the Indiana Pacers in the Conference Finals. My dad loved to watch him and every commercial idolized him. Most importantly, I knew him as the awesome guy from Space Jam (Daffy Duck’s acting in that movie was impeccable, if I may add).

This past week ESPN and the NBA paid homage to Jordan for his 50th birthday. ESPN senior writer, Wright Thompson, actually had the pleasure of spending five weeks alongside MJ for an up close and personal documentary on him. Wright spent practically every hourImage with Michael during this time with the goal of reporting just how Michael is dealing with his life today, post-basketball.

Besides the fact that Michael has:

1)   A Private jet painted to mimic a basketball sneaker,

2)   Extravagant houses in multiple cites around America,

3)   Ownership over the Charlotte Bobcats’ NBA franchise,

4)   Golfing excursions with the likes of Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton,

5)   Been idolized by every single sports superstar, from David Beckham to Cam Newton,

6)   A larger sports legacy than any other athlete to date,

7)   Wealth and prosperity,

8)   A beautiful fiancé,

9)   A continual dominant presence in the NBA without even physically playing,

10) A life and career that a majority of the people in the world would love to exchange for.

…Besides all of this, at the end of this five weeks Wright Thompson found that Michael Jordan was very unhappy and discontented with life beyond basketball.  Turns out that Jordan still desperately yearns for the opportunity to suit back up and play ball again. He has constant fears that he’ll be forgotten in the wind by the next generation. His daily routines consist of him habitually staying busy and active so that he doesn’t have long stints of silence or boredom. He is now somewhat a prisoner of his own life. Wright’s entire article has an extremely close parallel with what King Solomon experienced and wrote in his mental reflection on his life in the book of Ecclesiastes.

King Solomon did everything in life far better than any of us can imagine, let alone achieve. He went through a life-long experiment to see if he could find full satisfaction without God (Ecclesiastes 1). He ruled nations with peace and without war in both Judah and Israel. His wisdom was beyond measure. He was the wealthiest king that has ever lived. He was more handsome and prettier than us. He had self-made national forests, vineyards, mansions, and massive pools built for himself. He had slaves for his slaves. He knew about both botany and ethology. He routinely threw epic parties for thousands of people that included 40,000 horses, deer, gazelles, cattle and the finest wine. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines. (1 Kings 4-6, Ecclesiastes 2-3, 2 Chronicles 9:23, Psalm 45:2).

After years of testing everything that he could, including wealth, power, friendship, work, knowledge, and pleasure……Solomon found that it was all meaningless. He ran into diminishing returns when it came to enjoyment and found that there is nothing worth its full salt without God being the main component in the picture.

The reason why Solomon’s test failed and MJ is not satisfied is that when sin entered the world, WE all exchanged our infinite creator God for his creation. When this took place we began to settle for temporary, fleeting pleasure rather than what our soul really needs for satisfaction (Genesis 3, Romans 1).  Solomon concludes that Michael is weird to think that what he needs to finally be happy is more of what he already has. I mean come on….is another championship ring and million dollars really going to satisfy him? He already has six rings and a sports legacy that no other human may ever top. Solomon’s point is that we should enjoy life and enjoy it deeply, but not to forget about God in this small window of our lives.

King Solomon’s mental outlook is a foreshadowing of what Jesus says in his encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4).

To paraphrase, Jesus tells her “Trust me, come to me and you will never thirst again. Trust me. Do not outlook this opportunity…I’ve got what you have been missing.”

See, only a true believer in Christ can understand the joyful realization of the provision that God has over our lives. With the Gospel in view, we begin to see life just how God intended for it to be seen…without discontentment or regrets of redoing the past.

[http://espn.go.com/espn/story/_/page/Michael-Jordan/michael-jordan-not-left-building]

Girls Are Cute and Atheism is Strange

Well……….it was my junior year of college when I fell head over hills (mountains, for accuracy) for this girl in my math class. It was literally my first legitimate big crush on a girl. It is safe to say that I was a slightly late bloomer. Most of the class periods would consist of me glancing over and daydreaming about her – wondering where our first date would be.

ImageConsequently, I ended up with a “C” in the class. Each night I would think to myself, “Tomorrow I am going to ask her out. No fears!” I would even rehearse the lines I planned to say in  my head. However, as class ended each day, I’d freak out inside and digress my plan into just trying again tomorrow. Long story short, I did nothing for the entire semester and it crushed me for about a year afterwards, ha.

During that semester I found myself watching drastically more chick flicks than usual. I needed ammo and ideas for this girl! Also, my IPod playlists consisted solely of extremely cheesy loves songs. My favorites were:Image

Teddy Geiger – For you I will

Train  – Drops of Jupiter

Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4

Shawn Colvin – When you know 

Liz Phair – Why Can’t I breathe

The list was endless and continues to this day. The Disney movies that I watched that semester seemed better than ever. My DVD player was constantly playing ‘Serendipity’ and ‘P.S. I Love You’.

For some reason, the words being used in those songs/movies triggered off this emotion of “recognition” inside myself. As weird as it is, it is no longer even about the girl. There was something very deep inside my soul that recognized what was happening as if…maybe…I was created to feel that feeling. That feeling of a real, everlasting love that can successfully fill me up with everything I need. Weird huh? It’s like there should be a powerful being that can do this….

Switching gears,

Where did those feelings and reactions come from? There should be an origin of the intrinsic feelings of romance, happiness, sadness, laughter, satisfaction, mourning, etc. It is in our nature to try to find out what is behind everything in the universe. For thousands of years mankind has been trying to figure this out. This self-will to search for truth is given from God so that we may eventually seek Him (Acts 17:27).

Atheists have desperately tried to answer this question. There are many types (Marxists, Freudians, Naturalists, Relativists, Anti-theists and others) but for the most part they all believe in some sort of Big Bang-type creation from nothing and macroevolution. However, by believing in this, it would seem that they then inadvertently contradict themselves and cannot answer these simple “why” questions (let alone our existence). Unlike machines, we always seem to care about something. In order to believe what they believe, they must agree that our existence was an accident based off of a meaningless causation. Without a God creating the universe, we should not be able to say that something is good, beautiful, or true. We are simply matter in motion and chemicals firing off in the universe. If this is the case and everything is meaningless, then conversely what they claim and anything we do is not meaningful. We know this is not true. But without objectivity, the ability to judge, I should not be able to have a crush on a particular girl as opposed to another girl. Those cheesy love songs and movies should not have triggered off any meaning in my brain at all.

So where is the truth?

The truth lies within our living God. Being made in his triune image (i.e. from the time of Adam and Eve) our souls remember that at some point of existence there was once a perfect and infinite love that did fulfill us. It is seen in the first two chapters of the Bible. Every chapter after that is God’s story of bringing us back to that point of perfection. Ecclesiastes 3:11 mentions how we have an emptiness in our hearts that can only be filled by eternity. The reason we enjoy good food, but still are left wanting more is because of this missing piece in our hearts. When Adam and Eve ate, there fullness resulted in complete joy in the food and glory to the divine Father that gave it. It was perfect…until sin entered.

Luckily, Jesus fills this gap (John 10:10). This was done to create gratitude for his name and, in turn, give us fullness of joy. And at his second coming our fullness will be complete. It is a “double-grace”. We have gratitude in that Christ died for us and hope in that he is returning. It is a double-grace equal to double dessert. And faith binds the two together.

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