More Funny Theology Jokes I’ve Heard

  • A woman and her nagging, grumpy husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband died. The undertaker told the wife “I could ship your husband’s body back home to be buried, but it will cost you $10,000. Instead, I could just bury him right here in the Holy Land and it will only cost you $100.”The wife thought about it for awhile, and then told him to just ship him back home. The undertaker was perplexed. “But it will cost you $10,000 to ship him back, why not just do it here?”

    The wife replied: “I heard that a man died here once, was buried, and after three days, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

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  • “The $20 and the $1”
    Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired – a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. “I’ve been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ,” he said. “I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?””Oh,” said the one dollar bill, “I’ve been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church.”

    “What’s a church?” asked the twenty.

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  • How do you get a professional theological blogger/author off your porch?Answer: Pay him for the pizza

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  • A little boy was standing in the foyer of the church, looking up at a large gold plague filled with dozens of little name plates.The pastor walked over and stood next to him, wondering what he was thinking. After a moment, the little boy asked, “Pastor, who are all these people?”

    “Those are all the people from our church who have died in the service,” the pastor explained.

    The little boy shifted his feet nervously and stammered out the question, “Th-th-the n-n-nine o’clock or the ele-ele-eleven-thirty?”

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  • One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

    Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

    Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.

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  • A Jehovah’s Witness and a Unitarian Universalist started a new religion.
    One day they knocked on my door.
    But when I answered, they just stood there.
    After a couple moments of silence, I queried, “Well, what do you want?”
    “Oh, nothing in particular,” they replied.

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  • Once there was a man who had spent many, many years in brutal labor. He would dig ditches for 12 hours a day. One day at the tail end of a hot day and a very long ditch, he paused for a moment to talk with a young man in the ditch with him, the one manning the other shovel.
    “Know what I am going to do when I get to Heaven?” he said.
    “No, what?” said the young guy.
    “I am going to talk to Peter at the gates, and I am going to ask for a mountain cabin by a clear, blue lake. The cabin will need to have a front porch overlooking the lake, and I will request that the porch be equipped with a sturdy and very comfortable rocking chair.”
    “Really?” said the young guy.
    “And,” the man continued, “I am going to sit in that rocking chair for ten thousand years.”
    “Man,” his companion said. “That’s a long time. Whatcha doing then?”
    “Then,” said the old man, his eyes narrowing slightly, “I am going to start rockin.'”
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“God the Movie Character” versus “God the God”

My three-year-old nephew just may be one of the world’s worst hide and seekers. For some reason he thinks that he is able to hide 3 feet away from where I am counting and not be found. For some reason having bed sheets cover your upper body makes you invisible. His favorite movie to watch is Ice Age. Oddly enough, he is a staunch advocate for ONLY watching the few scenes with the squirrel chasing the acorn. We basically have to repeatedly fast forward through 85% of the movie just so that he can watch those hilarious “squirrel” moments. My nephew also likes to laugh, run around and hug. He can be tiring….but….believe me, I don’t mind at all. I can watch him watch Ice Age for hours. It feels so good just to be able to sit in the joy of his presence. My mini-me. It is tough living 7 hours away from him now.

There is a picture of my little nephew on my fridge. There are three other photos spread across on my coffee table, ha.  They help me remember his smile everyday and it pulls this lever of warm happiness in my head. I love that kid. But in an awkward paradox, I also hate the photos. Sometimes I want to just put them away so that I cannot see them. The reason for this being that they play with my emotions. They leave me empty inside because I realize that I cannot really see him.  The photos are not the real thing….they aren’t my fun, joyful nephew. I can’t hug it tight and teach it to hit a baseball. The photos are not willing to race me in the backyard. And it surely does not ask me to play the Gummy Bear Song on my laptop 20 times a day. As much as those pictures do serve me well….I hit a ceiling with them every time. I do not know the pictures. They fail to give me the sustaining love that my nephew brings. It is very frustrating.

In the same way, we should be frustrated when we settle for the concept of God instead of the reality of Him. The grace and love that God has allotted to us is very tough to receive when he is simply a concept to be thought on. On the other hand, a reality is something that we can grasp. One way this plays out when we go to church, sing a few songs, pray the same systematic prayer, and then make sure that we do not curse as we drive home. We turn church into a hobby and turn God into a “thought”.  Jesus becomes a movie character we know about, instead of a God we know & love. All the while we are short-changing ourselves. Are we treating God like a concept or like a reality?

When the explosion occurred at the Boston Marathon last week, all of America was reminded of the reality of terrorism. We remembered the reality of how short life is and the evil in this world. This changed us, in a positive way, for a few days. Two weeks ago most of America only viewed terrorism as a concept (even as we all very well know that it is real) because we have not been attacked in a while. However, these past few days, we have been focused on the realities of terrorism as our eyes have been reopened. Cancer is only a concept to me because I haven’t had anyone extremely close be affected by it. But let my mother catch it…then you’ve got my heart’s attention to it’s reality. Then you’ve got me on my knees praying to God about cancer.

We must press for our walk with Christ to be the same way, without needing something tragic to remind us. The more that we spend with our thoughts on the Lord and speaking with him the more we will experience his presence. He will become a reality and not just a few words in a big book (our a picture on the fridge). King David says “But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge…” Psalm 73:28. David, who was a chief sinner in the Bible, experienced a beautiful closeness with our Lord. This is a man who committed adultery and then had the nerve to have the husband of his mistress killed. Still, the Bible calls him a man after God’s own heart, Acts 13:22. Is this not an open door invitation that maybe, even we average-level sinners, can have that closeness as well?

The gravity of knowing God and trying to sync up with him is a reality that God wants us to know personally. I love it when I get the chance to be around Charismatic believers. They get this particular aspect of the Gospel down so well. They have a holy-exuberance that they meditate in constantly and the fruit can be seen from it. I pray that we grasp him closer and hone in on these truths more.  He physically came into this world. He did die for us. He did resurrect. He IS returning. Yes, Yes, Yes, he is returning. [Matthew 24:30]

I hope that my nephew reads this blog post after he learns to read. This may get me a few cool points AND help in his sanctification. Clutch victory there.

When all we hear is SILENCE

You know those times when you’re praying with all your heart that God would fix a certain something in your life? Not that one time, that one night that you asked for it. I am talking about months, sometimes years, of the same pleading prayer in asking for God to heal, give, or take something away. But he doesn’t respond. As a matter of fact, things get worse. It is as if he does not hear you at the moment and chooses to let what is happening continue to occur despite the reality that it is haunting your very soul. Night after night after week after year you ask in hope that maybe just maybe he’ll finally save the day like you learned in Sunday School class. However, each night you get nothing. You’re left lying down in bed wondering. Funny, in times like these I’m reminded of when Jesus claims that all we need is ‘the faith of a mustard seed….’ But as I pray I can pretty much guarantee that my faith in that moment is at least the size of an medium-sized orange; and I’m yelling for God to please come into the picture and help!  I mean, why would he constantly not?

It’s very frustrating when you know theology and scripture well because you then, inadvertently, answer you own “why God, why” questions. My conscious likes to arrogantly tell my heart, “That’s easy, just wait on the Lord and remember his sovereignty…read Romans 8 and 9 dude.” Now as beautiful and true as those verses are, NOTHING in me wants to listen to them in those moments, they are too painful and too hard hear. This is why the Apostle Paul is such an enigma to me. For a Just as Paul had spoken, not one life was lost in the shipwreck.single man to suffer as he did in a plethora of ways and keep moving forward…the Spirit must have been strong in him. Good gosh the man was beaten, flogged over and over again, hunted down by cities and countries, periodically went through starvation, sometimes did not have clothes to wear, was stressed out by churches going crazy, shipwrecked 3 times (4 if you count being lost at sea), almost died on numerous occasions, had a physical ailment allotted by God, and never even really had a place to call “home”. On top of that, a snake randomly bit him. Really??? Talk about a rough season. I wonder how many nights he spent sobbing. I wonder how much joy he was divinely able to attain by the grace given to him by God. You know there had to be a ton of both. Oh to see Paul’s face right now as he’s living it up in Heaven.

I wish we were all more open as a people. More of a family. The Internet was brought in to make everything and everyone more accessible and closer. Instead, much of what it has done is make us more superficial, taken the depth out of our relationships, and turn us closer into recluses. This makes us more prone to always act as if we’re “ok” in front of others…when on the inside we are secretly crumbling and drowning underwater. All the while, we’re smiling and not saying a thing, “as long as someone retweets me I’m happy.” Satan is soooo sneaky there and he is not stopping anytime soon. It hurts when you see the fruit of his schemes. Especially when those exact fruits are somehow eaten by the people you care about. If believers in Christ were more honestly open and unified as a people the power and boldness from that alone would overwhelmingly change the world. The Bible and secular history attests to this over and over again, but we miss it. We miss it. We.continually.miss.it.

For example, in Acts 19 the Gospel enters the city of Ephesus and immediately changes the entire socioeconomic climate throughout the city. Riots began to break out because those that were still doing evil were no longer getting paid their dirty money. We can look at history as well. If you have time, please look up “The Welch Revival”.  Hundreds of thousands of people in the country of Wales were saved and the entire culture at large was a family. No crime no worries… just peace, worship, joy, and love in the Lord. When are we going to start believing in the strength of the Gospel and our unity as believers and stop giving in to societal norms? We need to start. The quicker we do so the more joy there is to have. I must keep praying because I know he’s listening. Prayers for things in my life, those around me, and for the world. God constantly has me thinking about these things for some reason and I do not know why. But I’ll ask until he answers, as I know he will in his time. Because even when it seems like he has not listened to any of my particular prayers….I know he has and cares more than I do. He even knows what I am going to say before I pray. My faith has to be in that eternal being there. I long for the day that the earth will be filled with the knowledge and the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea.

 [Other verses used-Habakkuk 2:14, Acts 17:24-28, Luke 17:6, 2 Corinthians 11:23-31, Philippians 1:27,28]