- A woman and her nagging, grumpy husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband died. The undertaker told the wife “I could ship your husband’s body back home to be buried, but it will cost you $10,000. Instead, I could just bury him right here in the Holy Land and it will only cost you $100.”The wife thought about it for awhile, and then told him to just ship him back home. The undertaker was perplexed. “But it will cost you $10,000 to ship him back, why not just do it here?”
The wife replied: “I heard that a man died here once, was buried, and after three days, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
- “The $20 and the $1”
Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired – a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. “I’ve been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ,” he said. “I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?””Oh,” said the one dollar bill, “I’ve been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church.”
“What’s a church?” asked the twenty.
- How do you get a professional theological blogger/author off your porch?Answer: Pay him for the pizza
- A little boy was standing in the foyer of the church, looking up at a large gold plague filled with dozens of little name plates.The pastor walked over and stood next to him, wondering what he was thinking. After a moment, the little boy asked, “Pastor, who are all these people?”
“Those are all the people from our church who have died in the service,” the pastor explained.
The little boy shifted his feet nervously and stammered out the question, “Th-th-the n-n-nine o’clock or the ele-ele-eleven-thirty?”
- One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”
Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.
- A Jehovah’s Witness and a Unitarian Universalist started a new religion.
One day they knocked on my door.
But when I answered, they just stood there.
After a couple moments of silence, I queried, “Well, what do you want?”
“Oh, nothing in particular,” they replied.
- Once there was a man who had spent many, many years in brutal labor. He would dig ditches for 12 hours a day. One day at the tail end of a hot day and a very long ditch, he paused for a moment to talk with a young man in the ditch with him, the one manning the other shovel.
“Know what I am going to do when I get to Heaven?” he said.
“No, what?” said the young guy.
“I am going to talk to Peter at the gates, and I am going to ask for a mountain cabin by a clear, blue lake. The cabin will need to have a front porch overlooking the lake, and I will request that the porch be equipped with a sturdy and very comfortable rocking chair.”
“Really?” said the young guy.
“And,” the man continued, “I am going to sit in that rocking chair for ten thousand years.”
“Man,” his companion said. “That’s a long time. Whatcha doing then?”
“Then,” said the old man, his eyes narrowing slightly, “I am going to start rockin.'”