Dating: 3 Reasons Why Women CAN Make the First Move

Well well well, here we are again – Dating. In the comments section of an older blog post, a woman recently asked me the infamous question: “Is It Alright For A Girl To Ask Out A Guy?”  It’s an age old question that has become increasingly popular alongside the rise of women in 21st Century America. Women are surpassing men in education and excelling in the workplace, financially, gender equity, and leadership. These cultural changes bring rise to variations of this dating question.

As a man, I prefer to make the first move AND ask out the woman. As a cocky, hopeless romantic … it thrills me to do so. That is just me.

To avoid “personal preferences” or “semantics” as much as possible – instead of addressing the topic of women directly “asking out” men – I will address why it may be alright for the woman to make the “first move” or upfront “initiate interest” in the man.

While conventional wisdom has us generally believing it is ideal for a man to make that first move,  we still should ask [on any matter] what type of investigation was previously done for us to come to such a conclusion.

Does it make sense?

Is there a line? Has that line changed?

Are we robotically following a rule because it is all we’ve ever known?

Was the notion modeled during an historical/traditional outdated set up of society/culture during a particular time period?

I mean, historically, how could a woman ask a man out without herself having a job, money, education, or any status of power?

Here are 3 reasons why it may be alright for a girl to make the first move:
  1. Just Because You Make The First Move Does Not Mean He Cannot Lead

There has been this notion that if a woman initiates first, it subtracts from the man’s opportunity of leadership. However, does this reasoning add up? After you tell him you are interested, it can still be the man’s job to agree and maybe pick out the date spot. It can still be the man’s job to pick you up on time, grab your coat, and pay for the date. It can still be the man’s job to guide, protect and cultivate the woman for the duration of the relationship.

Over time, as you define the relationship, you can make clear to him in what you’re looking for in a man as a leader. Tell him what you expect EARLY on. If he continually doesn’t meet that criteria then stop and move on.

Dating with marriage in mind is important, regardless of who makes the first move. We all know relationships where the man asked out first, but turned out to be a sub-par leader to the woman. This must mean that the first move has no direct correlation to the man’s leadership ability or leadership potential.

  1. The Romantic Challenge Versus The Proactive Challenger Fairy-tale

There is a difference between actively pursuing someone and initially engaging someone. The former is over an extended time period while the latter is at a particular time. With both phrases, the person on the receiving end is the “challenge”. It is said that in the initial stage of a relationship, the lady needs to wait patiently and be the challenge sought out by a man rather than being the challenger.

To actively pursue someone takes time and effort in cultivating. Biblically it should be done by the man, with the woman hopefully being receptive to that man’s servitude toward her. This is correct and does not change. Conversely, to initially engage someone is to show that there is simply interest in that person.

Disney movies taught us that it is romantic for the woman to always be the challenge for a man to find and love. Any seasoned married couple would say that Life teaches a very different story. The true challenge of is in Month 2 of dating after you’ve ran out of small talk. The true challenge is loving one another through the numerous faults and weaknesses. The true challenge is liking one another after the euphoria of physical attraction wears off. The true challenge is loving one another after your children appear and your sex life becomes a part-time job.

Doing life together is the true challenge. The true challenge is where the solid, sustaining love is found. That is what matters most. Disney leaves that part out. A relationship should be looked at more holistically, not just the first 2 minutes of, “Hey, I’m interested in you”.

So the woman does not lose her title of the Romantic Challenge just by making the first move. She possibly gains a  lifetime of true love.

3. Relationships Are About You Too

Maybe the woman has a Type A personality and the man has Type B. The social sciences domain have written many articles on men becoming increasingly more passive. Waiting for the passive guy, the oblivious guy, or the Type B guy could take a long while. For Type A women, it seems like eternity. What’s the worst that can happen if you tell him you are interested? You’ll stop over-analyzing and finally get answers, that is what. Some guys say they wouldn’t mind if you did so anyways. 

The situation plays a factor as well. Are you already friends? Is he your sidekick?  Are you strangers? Can you or a friend to invite him to a group event? How much of a “nudge” is needed for the guy to get the hint? It is a case by case basis.

It is natural to like a guy. You aren’t wrong for wanting to ask him out. Whatever you do, be confident not clingy. Be assertive not aggressive. Read the signs: Is he shy, does he remember the details of what you say, does he keep momentum going? In the end, God will provide in His timing no matter what we do or how foolish we do it. Waiting isn’t a bad thing at all, and sometimes that first nudge wouldn’t hurt either.

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O, How They Danced

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The live band began to play as the newlyweds walked onto the floor for their first dance. O, how they danced. The young, twirling couple – a boy and a girl. Her head nuzzled into his cozy neck. His hand in her soft hair, clinging tightly. Her hand resting on his strong shoulders. His head slightly tilts toward her. The bystanders gawk as they watch the couple’s suave footwork. The wedding party watch as their friends prance the floor. The teary-eyed parents watch as their child has reached a new pinnacle in front of their eyes.

The couple, on the other hand, is unaware of their mannerisms and footwork. Neither can they recall the dance moves they are carrying out. They would be hard pressed to even remember the song that the live band is playing when the song ends. You see, they do not need music; their bodies find their own rhythm. They are lost in their own world – the boy and the girl. Their dance became one: a twirling, spiritual vibration invisible to the naked eye.

O, how they danced. Unbeknownst to anyone present … their dance is simply the first sketch of its true transcendence. The vibrations of their dance surpass the dance floor itself – pass through the ballroom – through the city – outward beyond the borders of Earth. The vibrations of their dance travel throughout the infinitesimally dense gravitational pull of every event horizon of every Black Hole in the universe, exploiting the laws of physics that we do not understand yet and ceasing the dimensions of space and time; cementing God’s plan as eternal. Divine Romance. Timeless. Holy. Fierce. Christ-like.wedding 4

The vibrations attain the job description of messengers. The divine vibrations surf across the edges of Hell as if to taunt Satan and boast in the new Holy matrimony. The demons cringe, shamefaced, as they are unable to stop God’s divine plan for the boy and the girl. Images of Joy and Beauty, shown from the flowing vibrations, flash across the outside walls of Hell, causing there to be a glimmering of light that is otherwise foreign to the occupants of Darkness. The light of Joy and Beauty fades away as quickly as it appeared.

The messaging vibrations of the couple’s dance are so tangible that the reflection of their footwork can be seen on the floors of Heaven. The vibrations swoop upward toward the Heavens, completely losing their worldliness and becoming something else entirely. It culminates into its true identity … GLORY, embodied!

The angels of Heaven celebrate another victory of the image of Jesus and His love for the Church being displayed through marriage. A beautiful symbol of glory. The angels leap and sing thanks to God for what he is doing. Saints of old joyfully laugh as they recall their wedding day back on earth. Moses and Noah smile as they remember their first dance.

The LORD is delighted.

O, how they danced. The girl whispers something faint into the boy’s ear. The onlookers imagine the melodic nothings being said. The bride and groom rest in each others gaze, sinking into the realization that they have become newness in time. Their love, their family, their future has switched from possibility to reality. Times of joy, future vacations, careers, evangelism efforts, children, grandchildren, and retirement parties are inevitable. Their future arguments, moments of stress, times of pain, and times of unknown are coming. But not tonight. Tonight, they can dance all night. And on this night, nearing sunset, the boy dips the girl and gives her a kiss.

O Goodness! How they danced! How great a blessing it is to find someone to dance with on the floors of eternity. Still, no one can see the spiritual vibrations of the dance. No one sees the spiritual messages flying around or its culmination toward Glory. No one sees the simultaneously wonderful effects it has on eternity and the Heavens. In due time, we will see. Until then, the boy watches the girl…the girl watches the boy…the friends watch…the parents watch. O, how they danced.  Divine Romance.  Timeless.  Holy.  Fierce.  Christ-like.  Sovereign.  GLORY.  O, how they danced. 

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5 Reasons Why Christian Males Almost NEVER ASK GIRLS OUT On Dates Anymore

At some point during mid-college, my compass switched from having predominantly guy friends toward a large influx of females friends. For some time now, many conversations with those girls have turned into their wonder of “why Christian men rarely ask them out on dates”.  I have had numerous heart-to-heart conversations with awesome, intelligent, Jesus-loving, beautifully single young ladies that pour out their frustrated hearts at why this is so.

Of course, from the male perspective, there are blinders that hinder me from fully empathizing. But in those moments…as I listen to them…I can’t help but see it in their eyes. The fearful angst in the crackling of their voice. Their stare of credulity as they wait to hear your response of hope. They’ve been taught to rest in Christ and have faith in his sovereign plan. Taught to be content with their singleness until the right man comes along. Ooookay…true, but tell that to the girl that has only been on 1 date in the past 3 years. Or to the girl that is 30 years old and still waiting. If we honestly pay attention we would begin to see a steep decline in the rate at which men are dating. After months of pondering and diving deep into this massive topic, I have five reasons why this “asking out” rate has decreased. These will be generalizations, of course, but what I have on my side is the Bible and a little bit of psychological binoculars.

1)  The Social Media Effect: Welcome to the glamorous world of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! These three entities have transformed the way that we men view the pressures of finding a girlfriend/wife. Historically a man had, roughly, less than 10 female friends on his radar. From that amount, his choices were limited and there was a certain “weight” or “pressure” he’d feel to find a mate. Today, I have almost 3000 Facebook friends. From those Facebook friends I can see photos and their friends of friends. This naturally gives way to thoughts that develop in my mind that I have an opportunity to date these girls. What was once knowing less than 10 girls has now exponentially increased to thousands for me AND my male counterparts. This gives us a false sense of satisfaction that takes away any weight on our shoulders that we need to pursue a woman right now. Who needs to pursue immediately…we’re content in our gigantically-fictional plethora of options.

2)  A Feminized Jesus & the Nice Guy Complex: I am not sure when exactly this happened, but somewhere along the lines in our recent church history we began to view Jesus is a very feminine manner. He became no longer a God who was authoritative, had supreme leadership over all, filled with passion for His Father’s glory and likeness, and bold in his worldviews and lifestyle. For at least the past 40 years we have shifted focus solely on his love attributes. He is a God with a perm in his hair who spreads pixie dust of love all throughout the Gospels. He never yells, he never rebukes, never upsets others. He is all about love love love! Here’s why this teaching is so catastrophically damaging in this context: Colossians 1:15 says that ‘Jesus is the image of the Invisible God’.  Men are image bearers of God since we were all made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). Since the Fall, we have lost that perfect view of God’s image. Now we have Jesus to look to in order to get back to what we were created for. However, with us males looking at a feminized Christ, we begin to reflect these new feminine traits that have been attributed to him. If we are a projector….we project onto a blank screen whatever is shown through us. While seeing a feminized Jesus we’ve, in turn, automatically projected more passivity, less in our boldness, and are more inclined to play a super nice guy role. This nice guy generally doesn’t what to risk boldness but instead wants to play it safe. Most importantly, as we’ve obtained this feminine worldview, we’ve lost some of our male skill/desire/trait to pursue the woman. God’s intended design for the male is being skewed. Very scary stuff. Very scary stuff.

3)  Watered Down GOSPEL Teaching: Similar to before, many churches over the years have become afraid to talk about the “hard” things of the Bible. The things that may scare people or rub them wrongly. Many churches and pastors became more focused on growing their church attendance and pleasing people rather than following thousands of years of church history and preaching for God with God’s word. They rarely teach on sin anymore. The cross and Jesus’ bloody death are rarely deeply studied and reflected on. If the Bible were a movie, many churches have pushed to cross and sin back to the ending credits. And no one pays attention the ending credits.  Ignoring these biblical concepts retard our CONCRETE UNDERSTANDING of Jesus’ pursuit of the church (His people). The Gospel should not only be the focus of the movie but should also be a real-life every day experience. Instead, this has weakened the male’s view in how and what it means to pursue a wife.

4)  Girls, some blame is on you as well: We sometimes feel that when we ask you out, you take expectations too far too quickly. A coffee date becomes an expectation of marriage from your eyes. We understand that we are dating-to-marry, but that pressure makes us uncomfortable at times. It becomes that if things fail to work out then you and your friends blame us for leading you on. We become the evil coffee bandits.

5)  Satan Never Sleeps: Hey, the dude is smart and wise. Satan has culture tugging on our neck collars. Diminishing our number of men in the church. He has society whispering in our ears. The definition of love has changed from a Biblical definition to the cultural “what makes me feel good at the moment”.

So what now; I mean, this is heavy stuff. I have to be honest with you and say these things because I’m more afraid not to point these things out. The reason why I have this insight is because…ding ding ding…I’m in some of these categories. And have close friends in all 5. So what do we do now? The funny thing about being young is that it’s easy to point out a problem. The funnier thing is that in our youth we rarely have the answers. Still, one common sense answer is obvious –  we need to get back to the discussing the nature and character of the triune God of the universe. This is what sustains us as a people. In the context of this blog, that is what will guide us men into the way he designed our relationships to flow. There is a reason why the Apostle Paul pleads with us to stay away from weak teaching and to seek good doctrine (1 & 2 Timothy). We can do that or we can continue to aim for high church numbers with cheap 5-minute salvations, weak teaching, and a feminized Jesus. But that’s a silly trade if we are losing our Godly men. What are we going to do men? Women? Pastors?

……..”Father, may our generation get back to your true reflection. Jesus, forgive us for mocking your image. I pray for those who hear this…really hear this. I pray for the hearts of our sisters. I pray for the strength of our brothers”…….

What Dancing Secretly Reveals About The Opposite Sex…

There is something about the art of partner dancing that transcends itself past the dancing itself. Past the swings, past the dips. Beyond the sweaty moments and the awkward small talks. Beyond the skillful moves. Past the variety of personalities or cultural backgrounds. For the past three years my passion has been both swing dancing and contra dancing. It seems that the longer I dance, the more God alters my eyesight in a way that I am able to see the picture that He is showing us within the art of dancing.   ImageWhen you think about the concept of dancing, it is a weird deal. Think about it; complete strangers attempting to interact on the dance floor and wiggling their bodies??? Going into an even deeper layer, you realize that each person is going through some legitimate pain, struggle, or happiness. They have come to the dance floor, seeking answers. Looking for a fun-loving, joyful time! Contra dances display this picture very well. Where else will you find a woman in her 60s dancing with a young man in his 20s? Where else can you see a Taylor Swift fanatic dance with a nerdy businessman wearing a kilt. The further beauty of it is that.they.really.are.having.fun. You can see it in the way their mouths openly smile, their entire body laughs, their head tilts, the silly ways they mess up together during moves…they are having a ball together; along with everyone else on the floor.

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What has more specifically caught my eye as of late, is the picture of a true biblical relationship that can be seen through dancing. If you read my older blog post, “Girls Are Cute And Atheism Is Strange (https://earnestbjohnson.wordpress.com/2013/02/05/girls-are-cute-and-atheism-is-weird/)”, you would know that I very staunchly believe that girls are the most adorable beings on the earth. That being said, I have learned a great deal of the opposite sex simply through dancing with them. Swing/contra dancing requires the male to lead the female throughout the dance. The responsibility lies on him to make sure that not only does she have an awesome time, but that she does not bleed in the process. With the same token, it is the females job to simply submit to that leadership and trust that the male will lead her into a good time. ImageHowever, this does not happen easily. Lord knows it does not happen easy, ha. Dancing requires 3 key elements:  (1) touch, (2) listening to the music, (3) and trust. I can dance with certain women and literally feel from her touch just how much she trusts me, and vice versa. I can also feel how susceptible she is to follow my lead. It is quite interesting. There is a certain tension/weight given that is felt when performing moves that tells me how she is feeling at the moment (good or bad). My favorite is when I can feel that extra tension, but can tell that she is trying her best to trust me and follow. Then, as the dance goes on, I can feel her tension and tightness lighten (Gosh girls are so cute) and her trust and laughter increase. On the other hand, where she gives too much tightness or sudden resistance, something is off basis there.

Why is that?

Well in Genesis 3:17-19, after the Fall, God tells Adam that everything man attempts to do will now “war” against him. So we were designed in God’s image to be builders, creators, and cultivators….. but with that “warring against”, it will not be easy. This hints that the tension that I sometimes feel when dipping a woman…that hesitation given by her….is a shadow of the “warring against”.

But how do we as men, still follow through with leading the women when dancing? How do we become the full cultivators and leaders that God created us to be in a fallen world? To answer that Biblically and through a swing dancing lens, the answer can be translated from God’s call on man in Ephesians 5. When I get married within the next 10 months to 40 years, God’s call on me will be to love my wife like Christ loved the church…..regardless of her response. As we dive into the historical beauty of how Christ initiated the loving pursuit and salvation of His bride, i.e. the Church,…. it reveals that our call to a female is to initiate initiate initiate. The scriptures are absolutely clear on this. In our society, women have begun to carry the burden of being the initiators and that’s not how God designed them. On the dance floor, things flow much smoother when the males are correctly playing their God-given role. When a girl decides to not trust me or to go her own way during a dance, it is my duty to go after her and lovingly guide her back into the flow of the dance. From my dancing experience I can admit that this is not as easy as it sounds – but it does work and can yield a warm response. The Bible does not hide this difficulty either. Proverbs 27 is going to describe moments like that as grabbing oil. Accordingly, that text is then followed by the entire comforting book of The Songs of Solomon, which describes the beauty of cherishing the woman and the fruit that come from it.

Too many Christian men have lost this concept. We must fight to get this concept back into our culture and society. Our Christian sisters are left sitting around waiting for the men to man-up and ask them to dance. All they want to do is to be led and experience the joy of the dance. They were wired for it. But until we get the guts, myself included, we are leaving our gorgeous sisters to stay in their metaphorical claim of contentment. We are such punks in this area and Satan is winning. If I pursued and led a girl like I pursue Kobe Bryant, I’d probably have that girl’s parents weeping of joy right now. This is something we must work for. The more unified that we men are in this, the exponentially easier it will be. As a paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 16:13 says, “Act like men. Be strong and courageous. Stand firm in the faith.”

Lets fix our society from one that objectifies women, into a society that sees the soul of a woman and chooses to protect that soul and lead it toward happiness. Happiness can be found on the dance floor, sure. But something better, everlasting joy, is found in our Creator God. We must lead them closer to Him. The true, celestial treasure.

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