7 More Funny Christian Jokes I’ve Heard (3rd Edition)

1.  A minister is driving down the road and is stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath,

sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

The minister replies, “Just water.”

The trooper asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”

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2.  One day, GOD talked to Bill Gates.
“Considering your contribution to the world and also your disbelief in me, I am going to do something that I never did before. I am going to allow you to choose between Heaven or Hell”.

amazed, Bill Gates try to remain objective. He wanted to see both Heaven and Hell before made the decision.

then GOD shows him the Heaven. it’s so beautiful, so graceful, fill of peace and praises to GOD.

satisfied, Bill Gates wanted to see the Hell.

GOD shows him the Hell, full of sexy ladies, partying all time, having fun and no rules at all.

Finally, Bill Gates decided that he wanted to be in Hell. GOD have asked him to confirm because once decision made, can’t cancel it.

So when Bill Gates died, GOD put him in Hell.
After several days, GOD wonders how Bill Gates enjoy his life in Hell.

After looking for sometime, GOD founds Bill Gates crying and sulking in a corner. He cried “GOD, where are all the fun? the girls? the parties?”.

GOD responded “Dear Bill, didn’t we told you? It was all just a screen saver.”

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3.  On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: “Let’s see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.”

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4.  A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Denomination?” The man says, “Methodist.” St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Denomination?”

“Lutheran.”

“Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

A third man arrives at the gates. “Denomination?”

“Presbyterian.”

“Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”

St. Peter tells him, “Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.

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5.  One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river.”

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

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6.  There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Dublin. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. “What’s your religion?” he heard the man growl.

Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said “I’m Jewish.” and the man replied, “Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland.”

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7.  Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “about 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

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More Funny Theology Jokes I’ve Heard

  • A woman and her nagging, grumpy husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband died. The undertaker told the wife “I could ship your husband’s body back home to be buried, but it will cost you $10,000. Instead, I could just bury him right here in the Holy Land and it will only cost you $100.”The wife thought about it for awhile, and then told him to just ship him back home. The undertaker was perplexed. “But it will cost you $10,000 to ship him back, why not just do it here?”

    The wife replied: “I heard that a man died here once, was buried, and after three days, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

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  • “The $20 and the $1”
    Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired – a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. “I’ve been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ,” he said. “I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?””Oh,” said the one dollar bill, “I’ve been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church.”

    “What’s a church?” asked the twenty.

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  • How do you get a professional theological blogger/author off your porch?Answer: Pay him for the pizza

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  • A little boy was standing in the foyer of the church, looking up at a large gold plague filled with dozens of little name plates.The pastor walked over and stood next to him, wondering what he was thinking. After a moment, the little boy asked, “Pastor, who are all these people?”

    “Those are all the people from our church who have died in the service,” the pastor explained.

    The little boy shifted his feet nervously and stammered out the question, “Th-th-the n-n-nine o’clock or the ele-ele-eleven-thirty?”

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  • One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

    Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

    Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.

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  • A Jehovah’s Witness and a Unitarian Universalist started a new religion.
    One day they knocked on my door.
    But when I answered, they just stood there.
    After a couple moments of silence, I queried, “Well, what do you want?”
    “Oh, nothing in particular,” they replied.

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  • Once there was a man who had spent many, many years in brutal labor. He would dig ditches for 12 hours a day. One day at the tail end of a hot day and a very long ditch, he paused for a moment to talk with a young man in the ditch with him, the one manning the other shovel.
    “Know what I am going to do when I get to Heaven?” he said.
    “No, what?” said the young guy.
    “I am going to talk to Peter at the gates, and I am going to ask for a mountain cabin by a clear, blue lake. The cabin will need to have a front porch overlooking the lake, and I will request that the porch be equipped with a sturdy and very comfortable rocking chair.”
    “Really?” said the young guy.
    “And,” the man continued, “I am going to sit in that rocking chair for ten thousand years.”
    “Man,” his companion said. “That’s a long time. Whatcha doing then?”
    “Then,” said the old man, his eyes narrowing slightly, “I am going to start rockin.'”

Funny Theology Jokes I’ve Heard

Yelp, I’m a nerd….
  • God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, “Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg.” Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, “What could I get for a rib?”
  • How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Two…One to change the light bulb and one to cast out the spirit of darkness.
  • A game of golf is going on on the heavenly fairway. First hole is a mean par three with a large water feature. Lining up at the T is Moses, Jesus and a little old man and it’s Moses who plays first.Moses lines up checks the wind and then swings, the ball slices and heads for the water where it sinks to the bottom. Moses walks up to the dam, raises his club the waters part, he walks to the ball and chip shots into the hole for a birdie.

    Jesus is next, he checks the wind, lines the shot and swings, the ball slices and lands in the water where it floats on the surface. Jesus walks to the ball across the water and chip shots onto the green where the ball sinks for a birdie.

    Finally the little old man gets to the T. He is so short and stooped one wonders how he can play at all. But he checks the wind lines up and swings. Of course the ball slices and heads for the water. As the ball is about to hit the surface, the largest trout ever leaps out of the water swallowing the ball. If that was not enough a large eagle swoops down and takes the fish for dinner and heads away high into the sky. The eagle flies across the green and as it does it squeezes the fish -pop- the ball comes out of the fishes mouth and into the cup giving the old man a one shot lead.

    Jesus turns and glares at the old guy and says: “Listen Dad if you’re gonna play, play fair!”

  • Jesus came across a woman who was about to be stoned for adultery.
    He urged them to cease and desist, saying “let him who is without sin cast the first stone”. All of a sudden, some one threw a stone.
    Jesus exclaimed, “Oh mother!!!”
  • Humans have become so technically evolved that they can now make a living, breathing person. A summit of scientists believed that because they now had the power to create life, God was no longer needed. So they all decided that someone should go and tell God this. One man volunteered to go. One day he climbed a mountain and called upon God. “God! We humans now have the ability to bring people from the dead, we can create our own life, we don’t need you anymore so you can leave us alone.” God listened to the scientist and nodded his head. “Okay, I’ll tell you what, if you can really create life, let’s have a competition, if you can create a better person than me, I’ll go, but we’ll have to do it the way I did it in the old days.” So the scientist agrees and begins to collect some dirt to make his person. God simply watches him and finally asks him what he’s doing. “I’m using the dirt to make a person.” God smiles, looks at the scientist and replies, “Go make your own dirt.”