1. A minister is driving down the road and is stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath,
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
The minister replies, “Just water.”
The trooper asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”
2. One day, GOD talked to Bill Gates.
“Considering your contribution to the world and also your disbelief in me, I am going to do something that I never did before. I am going to allow you to choose between Heaven or Hell”.
3. On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: “Let’s see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.”
4. A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Denomination?” The man says, “Methodist.” St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Denomination?”
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
A third man arrives at the gates. “Denomination?”
“Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”
St. Peter tells him, “Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.
5. One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.”
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river.”
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
6. There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Dublin. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. “What’s your religion?” he heard the man growl.
Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.
Thinking quickly he said “I’m Jewish.” and the man replied, “Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland.”
7. Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “about 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.”
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”